your parents

i find this old photo of us & my first thoughts are wow, we look so young, & wow, so much has happened since then, & how did i always manage to keep my hair that color?, & what ever happened to that necklace?, & what a crazy day that was, & what an amazing day that was, & wow, how far we have come. i look at this photo & when i look at it, i feel: these are teo's parents. & if there is any one photo i can give to my son to remember his parents by, this would be it. i am not sure why, & then i am exactly sure why. it's because naturally, i am not smiling and bubbly. naturally, i am like this: maybe a little bit serious, never apologetic, maybe a little bit silly. naturally, teo, your father's core is made of love & kindness & humility, but entwined with that love & kindness & humility is a very conscious knowledge of where he came from & where he went to; an honest acknowledgement of how hard it was to get there & how much work it took. he is a product of oppression manufactured by light & resistance. & all of these things in us brought us to you; brought us to making you, brought us to keeping you, brought us to loving you, will bring us to raising you. because our journeys have created your journey. & i hope that your journey will create a path for someone else, whether it is the path of your future child's or that of anyone else you will inspire. because it is impossible to be our son without shining. because no matter what your journey looks like or what you do or what you choose not to do, you will always be shining. i promise.

update

i've just returned from the hospital two days ago after an unexpected four-day stay. i went into my doctor's office on wednesday just for my weekly injection, which is done by the nurse. i felt awful that day... hadn't eaten and had thrown up well over ten times. the nurse took a look at me and asked if i wanted to see the doctor. i felt bad since it was late in the day and the doctor was on his way out, but i said yes. the doctor saw me and said he was admitting me to the hospital. i arrived at jackson north shortly after and received confirmation that i was dehydrated. many hours and a huge migraine later, i finally was hooked up to an iv where i could receive fluids with nutrients and meds. i have never been sicker in my fucking life. hallucinations and all. could barely move and was in excruciating pain. in a way, although the situation was fucking awful and i NEVER wanna go through that shit again, it was a good thing that i was too unconscious to really process all that was going on... i had no time to be scared. that's a good thing. i stayed until saturday afternoon. god bless those fucking meds through that iv, man. ain't nothing like it. two seconds after the drip begins, i'm knocked the hell out. & that's all a girl living with endless nausea could ask for <3

i'm actually really amazed that throughout everything, my little one has been really healthy. he doesn't stop squirming and swimming and is active as can be. the odds are not in his favor but he just keeps swimming swimming swimming. it really is amazing and beautiful.

freaking out a tiny bit because as shitty as my insurance coverage already is, it's about to get a lot shittier because of a policy change. it's unknown at the moment whether the injections will continue to be covered as much as they have been... and they're about $900 each, with 17 more injections to go. my pocket's already stretching way thin with co-pays in addition to all these hospital visits. last week cost me $250.

so many careers i'm entering after pregnancy... healthcare reformer, maternity wear designer, hyperemesis researcher, creator of mercury-free sashimi...

update

today, i am tired.
really tired.

tired of falling asleep after 6 a.m.
tired of having to get out of bed because i'm so hungry, it hurts.
tired of peeing every fucking ten minutes.
tired of mixing pills and potions just to get a little relief.
tired of having no good position for my back or hips.
tired of looking like shit.
tired of guessing how many seconds i have to stand up and make it to the toilet before i vomit.
tired of feeling like shit.
tired of being alone.
tired of doing nothing.
tired of dealing with the realities of being a pregnant lady with no cash and shitty insurance.
tired of worrying.
tired of dealing with everyone's shit.
tired of living with people.
tired of going to every doctor's appointment alone.
tired.

i began progesterone treatment today with my first injection. it was a breeze but the site of the injection started hurting soon after and still hurts a bunch now, six hours later.

i saw teo again with an hour-long ultrasound but all i felt like doing was crying. i don't know why. for being tired.

an ongoing list of weird shit during pregnancy

it's due time i make this list. i know no other way to explain what exactly i mean by "weird shit" than by simply listing said weird shit. i'll be adding to this list as shit happens.

• coming across this screen shot of vanessa hudgens has given me the biggest craving for a salty auntie ann's pretzel 

• this vid of jennifer lawrence comforting a crying fan made me cry
• at random moments (no pattern identified) i will feel the sole of my left foot heat up, as if an invisible man has put invisible bengay on it

update

first and foremost: the absolute hugest thank-you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has donated. i am eternally grateful for all the support & love we have received in these trying times. please know that everyone who has contributed will definitely be receiving a little shout-out in the mail from teo once he comes around!

currently, i am 17 weeks & 3 days. this is the time when the progesterone treatment should begin. my doctor & i have been in communication with the company that supplies the medication & the relevant equipment in order to hopefully ensure its prompt delivery. once it all arrives, i'll be visiting the doctor every week for treatment. since i am at a high-risk for dangerously pre-term labor because of the malformation of my uterus, the goal of the therapy is to help prolong little teo's stay inside of me for as long as possible so that when he does arrive, he's able to function outside the womb. (don't you know more about my uterus than you ever wanted to?) the goal is to make it to at least 26 weeks of pregnancy, which is when the fetus's lungs have developed enough to have a chance of working properly outside of the uterus. however, should teo arrive that early, there is still no guarantee for his good health so i'm dreaming big for a full-term pregnancy. so far, we have raised enough money to cover 10 shots, but i will need at least 20.

as for my hyperemesis: i've learned to manage it as best as i can but it still remains ever-present. many who have endured this disease report that it eases up considerably at 20 weeks of pregnancy. that would truly make me cry of joy. if it doesn't, it will likely remain as it is for the remainder of the pregnancy. right now, i am concerned about having lost 10 lbs. and that i continue to lose weight, when ideally i should gain 25 lbs. for a healthy pregnancy. i can't say this shit doesn't completely suck and make me want to curl up and die sometimes. however, i've read the stories of many who have had to terminate their much-wanted pregnancies in order to save their own lives from the debilitating effects of hyperemesis, and i feel truly blessed that my experience with the illness has not been severe enough for me to have to face that decision.

lighter notes: i am sooo happy that i was just able to spend a few days with esteban. we didn't know i'd be so sick when his flight was booked many months ago, but it was seriously great to just have him by my side. that man has seen more vomit than i'm sure he has ever wanted to see in his life. i love him to pieces and am repeatedly reminded of what an amazing father he will be. i am seriously lucky to have found someone who is so content with playing movie trivia in bed all day. also, i already know teo is going to help fulfill my destiny as a dance-mom with all the kicking and squirming he constantly does.

thanks again to each of you for everything. i know that of course not everyone is in a position to donate, and to that i say don't sweat it--just share it :) (as in, this donate link. share the donate link.)

p.s. i highly recommend dr. gene burkett for anyone with a high-risk pregnancy diagnosis. seriously, he's gone above and beyond from day one and i could not be happier with any other doctor.

update

i can longer see my vajay.

update

i woke up today with a heavy heart. i didn't fall asleep until around 7.30 a.m. this morning and woke up near 3 p.m. i even dreamt that i was talking excitedly to a stranger about how when i would wake up, i'd be officially 16 weeks pregnant and all my nausea and vomiting and sickness would have completely vanished. so much hope and energy has been invested into today. so many had told me that 16 was the magic number. 

i opened my eyes today and held my breath. i stayed still while trying to detect a miracle in my stomach. but i knew that if i had to try so hard to tell if there was any gift of relief, there wasn't. 

i wish i could say i had been more positive, but i had a feeling today wasn't going to save me. i spend a good deal of time trying to train my instinctively negative mindset that's been molded by terror and repeated trauma to channel only positive energy. and then i spend another good deal of time being upset with myself when things turn out badly as expected, because maybe if i would have trusted the earth more, it would have all worked out.

my reflection on today's disappointment seems objectively dramatic but fuck, i'm really sinking. sitting in a bed for three months, getting up only to vomit and pee, really does something to you psychologically. i didn't need that. i don't need this. my body needs a break. my mind needs a break. my spirit needs a break. i need a rescue once in a while.

on a brighter note, we've started fundraising to be able to cover the mounting costs associated with all this bullshit and i'm really touched at the response. we've reached about 15% of our goal amount, and i know we can reach 100%. i feel so loved to know that truly caring & wonderful people have invested in the health of my child, and i can honestly say that no sort of thank-you would suffice. beyond my appreciation, i am beginning to feel a bit relieved about our financial woes. so far, the money we have raised would cover 7 out of the 20 progesterone shots i need. although the sad fact is that we still need a lot more dough to get us through, this is already a huge relief. that's 7 shots i would not be able to afford otherwise. 

wednesday, i see my high-risk obgyn to discuss the next steps in the pregnancy and begin my injections. i feel confident that only good can come from starting treatment and i truly just don't see this pregnancy ending any other way than with my little one in my arms.

Help Baby Teo Make it to Us

Since the moment we found out our little family would be growing, we have been so excited to welcome our first child into this world. Unfortunately, the journey to bring baby Teo to us has been and will be a lot more difficult than ever expected. 


Early in the pregnancy, it was discovered that Caterina has a condition called uterus didelphys. Basically, this means that the uterus is divided into two halves and the baby can only occupy one half, giving him half of everything he needs in order to develop healthily. Among other complications, it also means that there is a high risk for extremely premature labor. In order to avoid this, Cat will need to begin weekly treatments of progesterone shots. This will cost us $85-$100 per shot.


Cat has also been extremely ill with hyperemesis gravidarum, a complication of pregnancy that causes severe, constant nausea and vomiting. Because there is very little that she is able to eat or drink, the amount of necessary nutrients that she and the baby receives is very limited. She has been hospitalized for dehydration, which poses a threat to both her and little Teo. Although no medication has worked very effectively, there are a few that help temporarily alleviate symptoms just long enough to be able to eat. Consequentially, we have found ourselves needing funds for these meds as well as for the hospital visits so that Cat can receive fluids via an IV drip. 


All of the above-mentioned medications, in addition to frequent hospital and doctor's visits, has done serious damage to the little savings we had to actually cover the regular expenses of raising a child. Not to mention that it has been financially impossible for Esteban to make visits from Providence to Miami in order to give Cat emotional support. We really need your help. Cat is unable to work and has no job. Esteban is a full-time student and is struggling to balance three part-time jobs, yet still earns extremely little. 


We have nowhere near the amount of money we need in order to cover our medical expenses in addition to baby expenses once Teo arrives. The list of necessary expenses goes on and on, spanning a lot more than just what has been mentioned here. The bare minimum of what we need is $5,000. We are asking the people in our lives to please, please give anything you are able to. We are endlessly grateful for your generosity and truly value any and every donation! Thank you for helping us in the fight to have our baby make it to us safely and healthily.


Please share this page with all of your networks!

my qt bf surprised me with this awesome care package in the mail !

what my poor, poor boyfriend should know

pregnancy means that a lot of weird, new things are going to suddenly happen to your body beginning about two seconds after you put down the pee stick. some of these things are less sucky than others. naw, they all suck. sorry. one of these sucky things is a little surprise called HORMONES. SO MANY HORMONES. i read about this little surprise at the beginning of my pregnancy and thought to myself, "pshhh, i can totally keep this shit under control." no. no, i can't. i find myself crying or getting emotional at the weirdest shit. i am realizing that my boyfriend probbbabblly gets the bad side of this phenomena more than he deserves, and it is probably really important that he realizes what's going on. so, i am going to take advantage of this likely fleeting moment of clarity to be straight-up about things my boo should know if we're both going to survive the next five months. so here you go, booboo:

• as mentioned above, the most obvious thing to know is that i am hormonal, and as a result, a lot of my actions and behaviors should be blamed on this. not all... but a lot. i am going to be irrational about things, even though it seems to me like the most rational thing on earth at the moment. does it make sense that all of the sudden i've broken out sobbing because this strawberry was too squishy? does it make sense that i just threw a chair across the room because i can't find a comfy position to sleep in? YES. YES IT ABSOLUTELY DOES MAKE SENSE. (moment of clarity: fleeted)

• in the past few months, my body & i have gone through things i didn't even know it was possible to go through. eating a burrito that contained beans landed me lying down in the bathtub, sobbing, wondering if i should go to the emergency room because of the severity of the pain (remember that fun night?). eating or drinking something that stays in my system for more than two hours is a beautiful, beautiful victory. being able to shower without fainting makes me feel like an immortal goddess warrior. waking up without excruciating back pain tempts me to say rosaries of gratitude. your complaints mean nothing. too much homework? oh, so sorry your ivy league school is making you move your hand back and forth. didn't sleep well? oh, is your pelvis and tail bone shifting to make room for the enormous sack in the middle of your body, too? unless your head is falling off, it doesn't matter. and even then, it would really depend.

• i know that normal people leave the house once in a while. i know it doesn't seem like much to you to walk to the kitchen and pour yourself a glass of water. but i'm really, really tired. pregnancy makes even the most active individual exhausted. combined with my hyperemesis, which severely limits the amount of nutrients i am receiving and causes me dehydration, i'm lucky if i make it to the bathroom without my head spinning. please just understand that i want to sleep or at least be in bed for 99% of the day. and if for some miraculous reason i feel like moving my body, seize the opportunity like it's the last one you'll ever have.

• back to those hormones... sometimes, i feel like being really mean to everyone. it's easiest to be mean to the people who are in closest proximity to me. that means you, lucky lil duckling. don't take it personally. i am going to be not-so-nice to you and probably already have. 99% of the time, it has nothing to do with you. know that i am not my normal, logical self, and i will most likely be singing your praises about two minutes after i send you to hell. tune it all out if you need to & just smile and nod.

• if i want fries, like right now, i want fries RIGHT NOW. and if you go out and get me fries, only to return and find that i think fries are the most disgusting thing in the world, i'm sorry. my cravings & desires change from one moment to the next. cravings excite me and give me a sense of urgency because i hardly ever actually feel like eating. so when i do, i am eager to take advantage of this opportunity to actually enjoy something. but my body works in mysterious ways that i have little to no control over. this goes for everything. i may suddenly get super pumped to take a super exciting walk around the neighborhood one second, but then be way too exhausted to even think about lifting a pinky two seconds later.

• everything about pregnancy so far has been really miserable. that's the truth. i wish it weren't, but it is. i pray to anything & everything that things change real soon. but in the meantime, everything sucks, and it's all your fault. yup. i am aware that it takes more than just sperm to make a baby. but sperm is a necessary ingredient, and you put that shit in me, so that automatically makes everything your fault. and it will continue to be your fault until our baby is born & is super cute and enjoyable, at which point i expect you to continuously praise me for being the amazing baby-making warrior that i am.

• i love you, and i know that you're going to be an awesome father. i recognize every tiny grain of your immense kindness, even though i don't always properly express gratitude. but TRUST ME, i'm so thankful. so keep being awesome. you are appreciated.

weird things whose sight suddenly makes me seriously nauseous

there are few things i can eat that don't make yak. i have found that many other things give me that lovely sensation just upon sight. here's a continually growing list of things (aside from completely obviously gross stuff) that pregnancy has ruined for me... all i have to do is look or think about it to feel like shit. since i'm confined to bed rest, most of the stuff i see is through tv commercials. it's a sad life, man. (disclaimer: i cannot control what i'm repulsed by, sorry if some of this sucks.)

• chicken pot pie
• any wendy's commercial containing a pretzel bun
• acne-ridden or really dry skin
• nudity aside from my own
• men with oddly textured body hair
• sex (sorry, boo)
• body mods
• long nails
• my dogs licking their private parts
• meat (i'm a vegetarian but looking at meat has never bothered me so much)
• blood
• any body fluid
• acupuncture
• shower curtains
• showers :((((

things people do & say to me concerning my pregnancy that make me want to punch something

this post is long overdue. it is one of anger & frustration and maybe all i need to do is get it out. BUT SERIOUSLY, i knowwww for facts that other pregnant people relate to at least one of the things on this list, and i urge you to please take something away from it.

so HERE WE GO, in no particular order...:

• touch my tummy - perhaps one of the most universal frustrations of pregnant individuals everywhere. and rightfully so. would you touch my stomach before i was pregnant without my consent? no... hopefully not. then why would you touch it without consent now? my body is still mine, regardless of the fact that my mid-section is expanding. i don't understand why people are so inclined to touch the tummy. you're not even going to feel anything except my fat. what is wrong with you people? i don't get it.

• comment on my weight gain or loss - as anyone who has been pregnant knows, any added weight to your tummy in the verryyy early beginning isn't due to baby yet. it's definitely there, and it's definitely due to pregnancy, but it's likely because of bloating and your stomach being like, "wtf what's happening in here ugh this is weird." when i was maybe four or five weeks pregnant--the babe inside me isn't even a fetus yet, and is about the size of a mustard seed, ok--my stupid fucking mother-in-law commented upon gazing at my stomach that i must be having twins. are you fucking kidding me? first of all, i hate her so much. second of all, pregnancy has been difficult for me personally as it can be for many because it really challenges my commitment to body-positivity and resistance to fat-shaming. i readily admit that i have struggled with not feeling shitty about myself because my body is morphing quite disproportionately as it expands and my waist line thickens. none of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit me anymore. normally, i am not thin. i am curvy and a little pudgy in certain areas. but i know i am not fat, maybe not even chubby. i don't know. i do know that being fat or chubby, just like being thin, is not bad. all of us know that keeping this mindset can be nearly impossible in a world that constantly shames mujeres who don't fit society's ideal size standards. so it's hard, man. why do you have to make it harder by being a total dick and commenting on it? weight gain during pregnancy hasn't been the only source of criticism, however. i suffer from hyperemesis, "extreme, persistent nausea and vomiting during pregnancy that can lead to dehydration." this has done incredible damage to both me and my body. i have been vomiting everything i attempt to eat for exactly two months now. as a result, i've lost close to nine pounds. i hate that i've lost that weight. it's unhealthy for me and my little love and it's a visual reminder of the extreme pain and suffering i have endured every day for what seems like an eternity. people telling me that i'm too thin for a healthy pregnancy is one, big, fucking DUH. believe me, if i could find a way to stop vomiting, i would. i would swim to antartica if that was somehow the magical cure. truly. why are you making me feel worse about something that's out of my control?

• "are you really allowed to have that?" - this is a question i have heard about two million times, phrased numerous ways, that is guaranteed to receive a death-glare from me. first of all: it's my body. i can put anything i fucking want into it. if you are concerned that i may be doing something seriously unhealthy, you can find a better way to bring it up. secondly: as my baby daddy knows, pregnancy has caused me to obsessively research each and every little thing that even goes near my body. can i take this pill? have this type of cheese? continue using my face wash? dye my hair? CUT MY HAIR?! seriously. if i have eaten it or put it on my body, i promise that i have read at least five articles and ten forums about it first. i have checked what the fda thinks about it. i have checked what other countries' regulating institutions think about it, knowing that the fda sucks. questioning if i'm "really allowed to have that" is a) condescending & rude, b) totally saying that you don't think i care enough about my health or the health of my little love to know what i can or can't do, and c) expressing a disrespect for my choices. there are some risks that i've decided i can take during pregnancy, while there are others that i am not comfortable with. for example: i feel safe having caffeine via soda regularly because while i shouldn't have above the recommended amount, soda comforts my sick body and i don't think any research indicating harm to the fetus is strong enough. on the other hand, my DOCTOR told me that i could take an occasional excedrin pill for my frequent migraines, and i have decided not to because i do not trust aspirin's possible effects on my child regardless of what my doctor may think. this is my choice. the question is particularly insulting from people who have never even been pregnant before. y'all need to sit down. (i'm looking at you, dad.)

• tell me what my body needs - similar to my previous complaint, but different. this time, the "friendly advice" comes almost entirely from mothers. ok, so, i really understand that people are coming from a good place with this one. i do. and i appreciate the willingness to share and offer advice. however, there is a clear line for me between "this really helped me feel better during my pregnancy" vs. "this is definitely going to help you and omg why isn't this helping you yet you aren't doing it right." telling me what worked for your morning sickness is totally cool. if it's been suggested, i've tried it. i'm fucking desperate for relief. but i need you to understand that i'm not suffering from regular morning sickness. i'm suffering with a condition that can be life-threatening. and i really need you to understand that every body on earth is different. this continues for pregnant individuals. just because we're all pregnant doesn't mean we've suddenly joined a league of identical internal body structures. (that'd be a really weird league.) our bodies are still different, regardless of our shared journey of pregnancy, and what works for you may not work for me. in fact, nothing that anyone has ever suggested has worked for me. which makes me super sad obvs. you being frustrated that your magic remedy isn't working for me just makes me more frustrated. besides the advice for sickness relief, i hear a whole bunch of other stuff--mainly from my mom--concerning what someone thinks my body needs. like, a 10-minute walk outside would totally do me good. or, just shower and you'll feel better. .........no. exercise is healthy but i'm incapable of it right now. i have no energy because I AM RECEIVING NO NUTRIENTS. i need to rest 99% of the day. and a shower would sound nice for a normal person, but for me, the heat lowers my already low blood pressure and causes me to feel faint and even more nauseous than i already am. i am almost guaranteed to vomit after every shower, so please don't judge me if i'm skipping a day or two. you would, too.

• question my parenting (before it's even begun!) - sigh. parents everywhere: i applaud you for being the warriors that you are. i really get it now. everywhere you turn, someone is going to dislike whatever decision you've made about how you'd like to raise your child, no matter how seemingly small you think that decision is. this constant challenging of personal values has already begun for me in milder versions. it started in the doctor's office, when i found out my little love has a penis (i saw it, and it's no joke, either). shortly after, my mom began talking to me about the process i need to go through for my child's circumcision. i politely and casually told her i would not be circumcising my baby. this isn't something my baby daddy & i have discussed extensively, but i know that he feels the same way about the subject. i respect every parent's choice in this matter, truly, and i expect the same respect back. well, my mother was horrified. her face said that i might as well have told her i wasn't going to celebrate any of the child's birthdays. she began on a rant about all the reasons circumcision is healthy and necessary and blah blah blah whatever trailing offzzzzzzzzz. it's not necessary, first off. secondly, while i am sure there are benefits, the cons outweigh them for me, and my decision is final. the end. this shouldn't be a debate about circumcision. this should be an issue in which your views differ from mine, but you respect my choice as a mother. unless i am deciding to do something that would cause obvious harm to someone, why does it matter to you? why do you care about my baby's penis? weirdos.

• invalidate my physical and/or emotional feelings - i hate, hate, hate, when people attempt to belittle or invalidate me in any way. it's so triggering. these attempts skyrocket during pregnancy, the time when everyone besides you knows best, of course! physically... i felt (and continue to feel, quite often) my little love squirm around inside of me, but because i've just entered my second trimester, "it has to be just gas." i know what fucking gas feels like. i know what cramps feel like. i know what my uterus expanding feels like. i know what my ligaments stretching feels like. pregnancy makes you really good at telling these weird body things apart. it's my baby moving, you fuckface. let me have this little joy. i have felt my back and hip burning in pain, pain, pain like no other, but because my tummy isn't huge yet, i must be just "sleeping wrong." AHA, THE DOCTOR SAID THIS IS DUE TO MY LIGAMENTS STRETCHING BEFORE I EVEN ASKED HIM ABOUT IT! so check that one off. i have felt my titties get huge... ok, so no one's invalidated that one yet, because it's undenniaaabble ;). now, emotionally... this is a big one. i have always wanted to have more than one child, ideally three. this is my first pregnancy, and i have learned how my body reacts to it, and it hasn't been good. in fact, it's been awful. if i'm going to be honest, it has made me suicidal more than once. so when i say that i've decided i do not want to become pregnant again, believe me. don't shrug it off and say "oh, you'll change your mind when you see your baby!" maybe i will, but maybe i won't. and dismissing my emotional decision is such a slap in the face and is a complete invalidation of the serious suffering, both physical and emotional, that i have gone through. me being a cis mujer and being super fertile (seriously... i am SUPER fucking fertile) does not automatically mean that i am destined to house fetuses just because i can. i am grateful for my fertility and very aware that other people do not have that same privilege. but my condition has caused me serious damage, and i'm not even 16 weeks yet. believe me when i say that i can't do this again.

• act more concerned about the fetus than about me - this one shakes me to my very core, and if this list were numbered, would likely be #1. it's been an unforeseen issue that in actuality has been really interesting to deal with. as i've mentioned, i deal with hyperemesis. people know this. good/normal people will check up on me to see how i'm doing. i really appreciate that, and have felt loved by the investment of others in my well-being. however, there has been a clear divide between the people who seem to be more concerned about the well-being of the baby than about mine. and, so tellingly, all of the people whose main concern has been the baby instead of me are people who i know are religious and anti-choice. these have been my parents' friends and people i am related to... a.k.a. the only ways i'd have this type of person involved in my life. and the other side, the group of individuals who show a clear concern about my health first and foremost, is made up of my friends and justice-minded people. i am, of course, incredibly concerned over my little love's health. i have a high-risk pregnancy aside from the hyperemesis and my boyfriend knows that i've spent nights sobbing over the possibility of losing my child. i appreciate that other people are concerned as well. however, i think a line gets crossed when i report that i feel like shit, am not getting better, and feel like dying, and the response i get is that "at least the baby's ok." what?! no. no no no. how can something inside me be ok if i'm not ok? how can it be ok that i feel like this, as long as the fetus survives it? it can't be. when i found out i was pregnant, i decided that i wanted to have this child, and i still feel that way. and i want my little love to be super healthy and make it to me safely, so so so badly. but my own health remains my number one concern, so why isn't it yours?

• flush the toilet when i'm not done vomiting - seemingly petty, but incredibly frustrating. listen, i really appreciate someone being there for me when it's ugly, and i hate that this complaint goes mainly to the two people who have been most active in my pregnancy (baby daddy & my mom). y'all have helped me soooo much and i love you for it and couldn't do it without you etc etc. but why do you flush the toilet when i'm not done vomiting? i appreciate you being there for me... but i vomit a lot, like a lot a lot, and i'm a pro at doing it alone. so if seeing my puke in the toilet grosses you out, i very strongly prefer you just leave me in the bathroom alone. i really don't want you to be grossed out. the last thing i want to have to worry about while vomiting is that it may be grossing someone else out, and flushing the toilet from behind me also makes me feel rushed and fucks up my rhythm. don't rush my puke, bro. i know what i gotta do. wait outside with cold water. <3

• impose gender norms & binaries on my child before it's even born - alright, so as a cis mujer who's considerably femme, i live trying to be ultra-conscious of gender norms & binaries... and destroying them. i really examine my thoughts and carefully review my words so as to not enforce the systems that oppress trans* & gender-variant individuals. as a womanist, i yearn to crush imposed gender norms and expectations and try really hard to do so. but i have to admit, this pregnancy has really caused me to slip up, and i have found myself being shitty in ways i never thought i'd be. this has happened when thinking about & discussing the baby's gender. from the start, i wanted a girl. because girls rule the world, duh. but what does it mean to want a girl? is it to want a baby with a vagina? i didn't have to ask myself this or even think about it to know that that is what it has meant for me. and i know that's fucked up in different ways, so i keep catching and correcting myself. i find myself having to catch and correct other people, too. why does it matter to you that there is both blue and pink on my baby's registry? why are you already talking about the roles my child will have as a man? i have found that it is really difficult to raise a child as gender-neutrally as possible before they are able to communicate their gender identity or desired gender expression. but fuck, i'm going to try my hardest, and i expect no shit from other people on this.

• question my choice to have the babe - this would definitely compete for #1 on this list. it's happened only twice but once is enough to enrage me. it's obvious that this pregnancy was not planned. that's no secret nor do i intend it to be. i'm sort of young, and know maybe one other person my age with a child. my baby daddy & i are not in a good financial situation. he's still in school. we don't even live in the same state because of it. we don't have a place we can both call home together. i don't have a job. he has three and still earns shit. my uterus is deformed and poses a real threat to the development of a fetus. there are definitely many factors that would have influenced us into deciding not to have the baby... and trust me, we thought a lot about it. but i really don't need to explain my decision to anyone. really. in fact, i haven't, and won't. i'm not even going to explain it here. because it's MY decision, and you need to respect it, whether you would have made the same one or not. questioning it truly makes me see red. and questioning it can be subtle, and come in the form of snide remarks, too. i know who really loves me, because when i announced my pregnancy happily, all of those people were happy, too. no questions asked. and that's the way it should be.

in conclusion: in order to avoid making it onto this list, it'd be great if everyone could just leave me alone and talk to me only to ask if i want something and the end. xoxo

lessons & love for little one

i made mon petit a playlist-- a collection of songs with words and feelings i want them to hear. listen here. & here's each song with accompanying intended message:

you only live once | the strokes
yolo, lil baby.

the police & the private | metric
be cautious and question all. i wish the systems that should protect you would, but they don't always.

day by day | brett dennen
live minute by minute.

also frightened | animal collective
i'm not perfect. i don't really know what i'm doing. sometimes i get scared. & you can get scared sometimes, too.

so here we are | bloc party
from the moment i knew you were coming into my life, i have gone to lengths to protect you, and i always will.

rainbowarriors | cocorosie
your mama isn't just awesome for obvyy reasons--i'm also awesome because i'm blessed with the queer light. whether you're queer or not, too, little one: we're warriors of light and justice and you got nothing to be ashamed of.

touch the sky | kanye west
little baby, when you're older, maybe i'll tell you more. i haven't lived the prettiest life but you must always find a way to touch the sky. i know you will!

the ghost of corporate future | regina spektor
always take off both your shoes, especially when they're wet! do what makes you happy, always.

believer | john maus
perhaps a good follow-up to the previous song. please remember that being silly and whimsical is beautiful and what keeps us alive. and what makes john maus money.

skinny love | bon iver
this one's a bit more emotional for me. it's not certain you'll make it. i get very scared from time to time. but i need you to last these nine months of hardship; make it to me. at the end of every day, from your home in my tummy to your home wherever you choose it to be, i'll carry your burdens with you.

i'll take us home | matt & kim
you always have a home, for as long as i am alive.

hip-hop | dead prez
hip-hop frees the soul. music frees the soul, and has the power to maybe remind you of your priorities (would you rather have a lexus, or justice?). also, white people suck.

float on | modest mouse
don't sweat the small stuff, little one. and find a way to laugh off the big stuff when you're done crying over it.

strawberry swing | coldplay
without you, it really is a waste of time.

college | animal collective
yoouuu dooonn't haaave tooo gooo tooo cooolleeeeege. (i didn't and never will.)

waking life | secret owl society
i have learned the difficult way that perception is everything. so learn it the easy way through this song, ok. <3

wake up | arcade fire
you really are the future, lil baby. rise to the occasion.

we might be dead by tomorrow | soko
morbid, maybe, but true, always. love fully and love loud.