i woke up today with a heavy heart. i didn't fall asleep until around 7.30 a.m. this morning and woke up near 3 p.m. i even dreamt that i was talking excitedly to a stranger about how when i would wake up, i'd be officially 16 weeks pregnant and all my nausea and vomiting and sickness would have completely vanished. so much hope and energy has been invested into today. so many had told me that 16 was the magic number.
i opened my eyes today and held my breath. i stayed still while trying to detect a miracle in my stomach. but i knew that if i had to try so hard to tell if there was any gift of relief, there wasn't.
i wish i could say i had been more positive, but i had a feeling today wasn't going to save me. i spend a good deal of time trying to train my instinctively negative mindset that's been molded by terror and repeated trauma to channel only positive energy. and then i spend another good deal of time being upset with myself when things turn out badly as expected, because maybe if i would have trusted the earth more, it would have all worked out.
my reflection on today's disappointment seems objectively dramatic but fuck, i'm really sinking. sitting in a bed for three months, getting up only to vomit and pee, really does something to you psychologically. i didn't need that. i don't need this. my body needs a break. my mind needs a break. my spirit needs a break. i need a rescue once in a while.
on a brighter note, we've started fundraising to be able to cover the mounting costs associated with all this bullshit and i'm really touched at the response. we've reached about 15% of our goal amount, and i know we can reach 100%. i feel so loved to know that truly caring & wonderful people have invested in the health of my child, and i can honestly say that no sort of thank-you would suffice. beyond my appreciation, i am beginning to feel a bit relieved about our financial woes. so far, the money we have raised would cover 7 out of the 20 progesterone shots i need. although the sad fact is that we still need a lot more dough to get us through, this is already a huge relief. that's 7 shots i would not be able to afford otherwise.
wednesday, i see my high-risk obgyn to discuss the next steps in the pregnancy and begin my injections. i feel confident that only good can come from starting treatment and i truly just don't see this pregnancy ending any other way than with my little one in my arms.
