pregnancy means that a lot of weird, new things are going to suddenly happen to your body beginning about two seconds after you put down the pee stick. some of these things are less sucky than others. naw, they all suck. sorry. one of these sucky things is a little surprise called HORMONES. SO MANY HORMONES. i read about this little surprise at the beginning of my pregnancy and thought to myself, "pshhh, i can totally keep this shit under control." no. no, i can't. i find myself crying or getting emotional at the weirdest shit. i am realizing that my boyfriend probbbabblly gets the bad side of this phenomena more than he deserves, and it is probably really important that he realizes what's going on. so, i am going to take advantage of this likely fleeting moment of clarity to be straight-up about things my boo should know if we're both going to survive the next five months. so here you go, booboo:
- as mentioned above, the most obvious thing to know is that i am hormonal, and as a result, a lot of my actions and behaviors should be blamed on this. not all... but a lot. i am going to be irrational about things, even though it seems to me like the most rational thing on earth at the moment. does it make sense that all of the sudden i've broken out sobbing because this strawberry was too squishy? does it make sense that i just threw a chair across the room because i can't find a comfy position to sleep in? YES. YES IT ABSOLUTELY DOES MAKE SENSE. (moment of clarity: fleeted)
- in the past few months, my body & i have gone through things i didn't even know it was possible to go through. eating a burrito that contained beans landed me lying down in the bathtub, sobbing, wondering if i should go to the emergency room because of the severity of the pain (remember that fun night?). eating or drinking something that stays in my system for more than two hours is a beautiful, beautiful victory. being able to shower without fainting makes me feel like an immortal goddess warrior. waking up without excruciating back pain tempts me to say rosaries of gratitude. your complaints mean nothing. too much homework? oh, so sorry your ivy league school is making you move your hand back and forth. didn't sleep well? oh, is your pelvis and tail bone shifting to make room for the enormous sack in the middle of your body, too? unless your head is falling off, it doesn't matter. and even then, it would really depend.
- i know that normal people leave the house once in a while. i know it doesn't seem like much to you to walk to the kitchen and pour yourself a glass of water. but i'm really, really tired. pregnancy makes even the most active individual exhausted. combined with my hyperemesis, which severely limits the amount of nutrients i am receiving and causes me dehydration, i'm lucky if i make it to the bathroom without my head spinning. please just understand that i want to sleep or at least be in bed for 99% of the day. and if for some miraculous reason i feel like moving my body, seize the opportunity like it's the last one you'll ever have.
- back to those hormones... sometimes, i feel like being really mean to everyone. it's easiest to be mean to the people who are in closest proximity to me. that means you, lucky lil duckling. don't take it personally. i am going to be not-so-nice to you and probably already have. 99% of the time, it has nothing to do with you. know that i am not my normal, logical self, and i will most likely be singing your praises about two minutes after i send you to hell. tune it all out if you need to & just smile and nod.
- if i want fries, like right now, i want fries RIGHT NOW. and if you go out and get me fries, only to return and find that i think fries are the most disgusting thing in the world, i'm sorry. my cravings & desires change from one moment to the next. cravings excite me and give me a sense of urgency because i hardly ever actually feel like eating. so when i do, i am eager to take advantage of this opportunity to actually enjoy something. but my body works in mysterious ways that i have little to no control over. this goes for everything. i may suddenly get super pumped to take a super exciting walk around the neighborhood one second, but then be way too exhausted to even think about lifting a pinky two seconds later.
- everything about pregnancy so far has been really miserable. that's the truth. i wish it weren't, but it is. i pray to anything & everything that things change real soon. but in the meantime, everything sucks, and it's all your fault. yup. i am aware that it takes more than just sperm to make a baby. but sperm is a necessary ingredient, and you put that shit in me, so that automatically makes everything your fault. and it will continue to be your fault until our baby is born & is super cute and enjoyable, at which point i expect you to continuously praise me for being the amazing baby-making warrior that i am.
- i love you, and i know that you're going to be an awesome father. i recognize every tiny grain of your immense kindness, even though i don't always properly express gratitude. but TRUST ME, i'm so thankful. so keep being awesome. you are appreciated.
