update

so much has happened since i've last updated! i'll inevitably forget to mention some things but i'll try to keep this short & sweet. & i'll try to be sequential buttttt idk.

so, i haven't been hospitalized for dehydration in a good minute. since late november, to be more accurate. that last hospitalization was a true nightmare & my body really endured hell (in addition to my collection of debt, now increased by $450), but it was in that process that i discovered meds that... gasp... WORK! it took time at first, probably for them to fully get in my system since their effects are cumulative, but i was prescribed phernergan for my hyperemesis & it has helped so, so, so much. i feel just about a million times better in relation to my nausea & vomiting. the meds are very strong & come with risk, however, so i have to limit my intake to three times daily. it doesn't cover every minute of my day but it covers way enough for me to be eating almost normally. it's a blessing i am infinitely thankful for. yey!

my boo surprised me with a visit on november 28, which was really wonderful & much needed. that weekend, i discovered that i was bleeding & rushed back to the hospital. that was probably the first time i've been legitimately worried about anything serious happening during this pregnancy. at the hospital, i discovered that i was also having contractions. i continued to have contractions for the night until they were silenced by some iv fluids. the bleeding came with no explanation but fortunately, stopped, & was not heavy enough to cause more concern. luckily, i went home after only a night. little one was good through it all. a few days later, i experienced a tremendous amount of pain in my pelvis & my doctor instructed me to go back to the ho$pital (my favorite place obviously). everything checked out fine, & the nurse there told me it was likely due to teo's weird positioning & the fact that he is so incredibly low... like, she could feel him inside me low. more than you wanted to know?

on december 17, my love moved down to miami for good after finishing up the semester at brown. he is my biggest, most beautiful sigh of relief & there are no words to accurately explain how needed he has been. we celebrated our anniversary with a surprise ring on my finger & an exchange of vows--something we've wanted & needed to do for a long, long time. & it was done exactly how i wanted it to be done: with just me & him, next to the sea, me looking cute (i told him a long time ago to make sure i looked cute, or else). but i digress.

biggest news probably: i made it to 26 weeks. another enormous sigh of relief. however, i have not been receiving my progesterone injections for about one month now due to insurance bullshit which STILL has not been resolved. it's been an endless game of he-said, she-said, they-said between the pharmacy, insurance company, & doctor's office. it's a bunch of bullshit & i continue to have contractions, my risk of pre-term labor increased greatly without the injections. i am pretty powerless in this matter & can only do what i can & hope for the rest.

my most recent routine doctor's visit (last wednesday) revealed via ultrasound that little love is a bit small for where he should be. my doctor explained it could be due to complications with the placenta & that he will be closely monitoring the situation. worst case scenario is that i have to deliver the babe early. right now, we don't know what the chances of that are, but i will be keeping a close watch on all with weekly ultrasounds.

i am still on bed rest, as i have been for the past 6 months, which is always pretty frustrating but is necessary--especially as the level of pain i experience on a regular basis increases as i grow & grow. my body is done & so am i. well, no, i guess my body is not done or else it would actually be done.

that was not short at all!


p.s. every time i've been in the hospital for contractions, i truly would have had no idea i was experiencing them were it not for the monitor i'm hooked up to... which makes me wonder 24/7 if i'm in labor & just don't know it...  but i figure i'll see a hand or something...

your parents

i find this old photo of us & my first thoughts are wow, we look so young, & wow, so much has happened since then, & how did i always manage to keep my hair that color?, & what ever happened to that necklace?, & what a crazy day that was, & what an amazing day that was, & wow, how far we have come. i look at this photo & when i look at it, i feel: these are teo's parents. & if there is any one photo i can give to my son to remember his parents by, this would be it. i am not sure why, & then i am exactly sure why. it's because naturally, i am not smiling and bubbly. naturally, i am like this: maybe a little bit serious, never apologetic, maybe a little bit silly. naturally, teo, your father's core is made of love & kindness & humility, but entwined with that love & kindness & humility is a very conscious knowledge of where he came from & where he went to; an honest acknowledgement of how hard it was to get there & how much work it took. he is a product of oppression manufactured by light & resistance. & all of these things in us brought us to you; brought us to making you, brought us to keeping you, brought us to loving you, will bring us to raising you. because our journeys have created your journey. & i hope that your journey will create a path for someone else, whether it is the path of your future child's or that of anyone else you will inspire. because it is impossible to be our son without shining. because no matter what your journey looks like or what you do or what you choose not to do, you will always be shining. i promise.

update

i've just returned from the hospital two days ago after an unexpected four-day stay. i went into my doctor's office on wednesday just for my weekly injection, which is done by the nurse. i felt awful that day... hadn't eaten and had thrown up well over ten times. the nurse took a look at me and asked if i wanted to see the doctor. i felt bad since it was late in the day and the doctor was on his way out, but i said yes. the doctor saw me and said he was admitting me to the hospital. i arrived at jackson north shortly after and received confirmation that i was dehydrated. many hours and a huge migraine later, i finally was hooked up to an iv where i could receive fluids with nutrients and meds. i have never been sicker in my fucking life. hallucinations and all. could barely move and was in excruciating pain. in a way, although the situation was fucking awful and i NEVER wanna go through that shit again, it was a good thing that i was too unconscious to really process all that was going on... i had no time to be scared. that's a good thing. i stayed until saturday afternoon. god bless those fucking meds through that iv, man. ain't nothing like it. two seconds after the drip begins, i'm knocked the hell out. & that's all a girl living with endless nausea could ask for <3

i'm actually really amazed that throughout everything, my little one has been really healthy. he doesn't stop squirming and swimming and is active as can be. the odds are not in his favor but he just keeps swimming swimming swimming. it really is amazing and beautiful.

freaking out a tiny bit because as shitty as my insurance coverage already is, it's about to get a lot shittier because of a policy change. it's unknown at the moment whether the injections will continue to be covered as much as they have been... and they're about $900 each, with 17 more injections to go. my pocket's already stretching way thin with co-pays in addition to all these hospital visits. last week cost me $250.

so many careers i'm entering after pregnancy... healthcare reformer, maternity wear designer, hyperemesis researcher, creator of mercury-free sashimi...

update

today, i am tired.
really tired.

tired of falling asleep after 6 a.m.
tired of having to get out of bed because i'm so hungry, it hurts.
tired of peeing every fucking ten minutes.
tired of mixing pills and potions just to get a little relief.
tired of having no good position for my back or hips.
tired of looking like shit.
tired of guessing how many seconds i have to stand up and make it to the toilet before i vomit.
tired of feeling like shit.
tired of being alone.
tired of doing nothing.
tired of dealing with the realities of being a pregnant lady with no cash and shitty insurance.
tired of worrying.
tired of dealing with everyone's shit.
tired of living with people.
tired of going to every doctor's appointment alone.
tired.

i began progesterone treatment today with my first injection. it was a breeze but the site of the injection started hurting soon after and still hurts a bunch now, six hours later.

i saw teo again with an hour-long ultrasound but all i felt like doing was crying. i don't know why. for being tired.

an ongoing list of weird shit during pregnancy

it's due time i make this list. i know no other way to explain what exactly i mean by "weird shit" than by simply listing said weird shit. i'll be adding to this list as shit happens.

• coming across this screen shot of vanessa hudgens has given me the biggest craving for a salty auntie ann's pretzel 

• this vid of jennifer lawrence comforting a crying fan made me cry
• at random moments (no pattern identified) i will feel the sole of my left foot heat up, as if an invisible man has put invisible bengay on it

update

first and foremost: the absolute hugest thank-you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has donated. i am eternally grateful for all the support & love we have received in these trying times. please know that everyone who has contributed will definitely be receiving a little shout-out in the mail from teo once he comes around!

currently, i am 17 weeks & 3 days. this is the time when the progesterone treatment should begin. my doctor & i have been in communication with the company that supplies the medication & the relevant equipment in order to hopefully ensure its prompt delivery. once it all arrives, i'll be visiting the doctor every week for treatment. since i am at a high-risk for dangerously pre-term labor because of the malformation of my uterus, the goal of the therapy is to help prolong little teo's stay inside of me for as long as possible so that when he does arrive, he's able to function outside the womb. (don't you know more about my uterus than you ever wanted to?) the goal is to make it to at least 26 weeks of pregnancy, which is when the fetus's lungs have developed enough to have a chance of working properly outside of the uterus. however, should teo arrive that early, there is still no guarantee for his good health so i'm dreaming big for a full-term pregnancy. so far, we have raised enough money to cover 10 shots, but i will need at least 20.

as for my hyperemesis: i've learned to manage it as best as i can but it still remains ever-present. many who have endured this disease report that it eases up considerably at 20 weeks of pregnancy. that would truly make me cry of joy. if it doesn't, it will likely remain as it is for the remainder of the pregnancy. right now, i am concerned about having lost 10 lbs. and that i continue to lose weight, when ideally i should gain 25 lbs. for a healthy pregnancy. i can't say this shit doesn't completely suck and make me want to curl up and die sometimes. however, i've read the stories of many who have had to terminate their much-wanted pregnancies in order to save their own lives from the debilitating effects of hyperemesis, and i feel truly blessed that my experience with the illness has not been severe enough for me to have to face that decision.

lighter notes: i am sooo happy that i was just able to spend a few days with esteban. we didn't know i'd be so sick when his flight was booked many months ago, but it was seriously great to just have him by my side. that man has seen more vomit than i'm sure he has ever wanted to see in his life. i love him to pieces and am repeatedly reminded of what an amazing father he will be. i am seriously lucky to have found someone who is so content with playing movie trivia in bed all day. also, i already know teo is going to help fulfill my destiny as a dance-mom with all the kicking and squirming he constantly does.

thanks again to each of you for everything. i know that of course not everyone is in a position to donate, and to that i say don't sweat it--just share it :) (as in, this donate link. share the donate link.)

p.s. i highly recommend dr. gene burkett for anyone with a high-risk pregnancy diagnosis. seriously, he's gone above and beyond from day one and i could not be happier with any other doctor.

update

i can longer see my vajay.